Five years have past

since my angel went to heaven. She loved all unconditionally, with an open and pure heart. She cared for everyone who she came in contact with for even the briefest time. Despite our faults and her own, she was the best mother anyone could ever have wished for and exactly the one I needed to make me who I am today.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about her or want to share something with her. I must remind myself that she is here watching, protecting and guiding us still. The pain gets softer with time, but I honestly don't think it will every fully go away. 

A Day of Remembering

Every year it gets a little bit easier when Noni's birthday rolls around. My sister and I always try to make sure that we spend the day together and celebrate in some way that we think she would want us to. So this year we took the girls to the cemetery and brought balloons,

then headed to the beach for the afternoon with one of our favorite aunts. This was GC's first trip to the ocean, but she settled in quickly and we all had a great time.

I know it is a cliche, however you truly can never imagine how much you will miss someone until they are gone. I feel sad for the babies, that they will never know the love that they would have received from my mom, but know in my heart that she is watching out for them each and every day. We make sure that they know who she was and how incredible she was. KM is constantly showing SC pictures and telling her stories about her all the time.

If Noni taught me anything in the 27 years of my life with her was that no matter what happens family comes first. You must push through the hard times, stick together and be there for one another. This last year has pushed some of us in different directions, but we are staying to the principal and sticking together.

Happy Birthday Noni!

We love you and miss you EVERYDAY!

Friday the 13th

.....UUUUGGGHHHHH

KM's best friends -twins who live two states away - were born on 2/14. I received a phone call about 2 weeks ago BEGGING me to bring KM for their birthday party. We had not seen them in quite awhile and it worked out that I did not have SC on the weekend in question, so to quiet the squealing tweens I agreed to make the trek.

Since the sleepover was being held on Friday, I figured I would be able to be back by late Saturday afternoon to still spend Valentine's Day with CJ. We left right on time and everything was going great! We made it through Boston with no traffic, Rt 1 was clear sailing, and we made it to the Burger King just in time to not have to wait in line. I thought for sure everything was going to be fine! Then suddenly as I was coming to the crest of a hill, the car felt funny. It was as if I had hit the cruise control off, but I could not accelerate. I pulled to the side of the turnpike and my car died!

I must interject here to state that my ride is not really fancy, it is a Land Rover Freelander that I have had for just over 5 years. I have NEVER had ANY problems with it. Other than regular maintenance I have not had to spend a penny. It has under 50,000 miles on it, as most of my driving is within a 10 mile radius.

Now back to the story - I swear I thought my head was going to explode!!!!! What do I do? I am in another state. I barely know where I am. The neurotic over packer, only packed one change of clothes and one set of pj's for each of us, as we were only suppose to be staying overnight. I did not pack extra snacks or drinks as I knew we were going to be stopping at the same rest area we always do. So here I am the one who is always prepared for everything, TOTALLY UNPREPARED FOR THIS!

I call CJ and of course immediately start FREAKING out! I have no idea what I am going to do. I am not unfamiliar with the workings of a car, I took mechanics in high school, my grandfather was a mechanic, CJ is obsessed with Jeeping, my brother-in-law is a mechanic, and my father drag races and has been featured in several racing magazines. Yet here in this situation, where I have no control and there are HUGE trucks and cars whizzing by me at 80-90mph I can not think of what I am suppose to do! CJ of course is also freaking out at the thought of me broken down on the highway, but he talks me through checking everything as best as he can. This is no use as everything that I can check is fine!

Back into the car I go and we begin thinking. Okay I have a Land Rover, hey they have this really good roadside assistance program which is the reason why I do not have AAA. So we call them up and I am told that the nearest dealer - which is the only place that they can tow me to, is 58 miles away and they will only cover tows if they are under 50 miles. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

Okay next option - have the computer limited CJ look up a local tow service in the town that is listed on the only sign that I can see on the highway. NOT GOING TO WORK - I love him, I truly do, but he is just not computer savvy AT ALL. I think for a second and as I turn my head to the right I spot my GPS - DUHHHHH. I pull up the menu and locate the closest gas station - I love my GARMIN!!! it even listed the phone number! I called and they were only a gas station, but the attendant was sooooo helpful. He gave me the name of a station right around the corner and even looked up the phone number for me!

CJ was of course very leery of me going to some totally random auto shop to have my car worked on - see above mentioned reasons as to why this maybe so... - but I was very optimistic, when the man who answered the phone new right off the bat that they need to send out a car carrier to get me as my vehicle is AWD!!! Most mechanics don't even know what a Freelander is - they only made them for 3 years and as I mentioned they RARELY break down!

----Homeschooling Side Note---- KM was in the back of the car during this whole panic attack inducing affair with her headphones on and doing her SCOPE magazine assignment. She didn't even realize that there was anything wrong until I got out of the car before the tow truck got there!!!

So they came in no time to rescue us. When we walked into the shop, the very nice man behind the counter said "What were you thinking trying to travel on Friday the 13th!" Well gee thanks!!! I began to state how I am not superstitious and I don't think that the date had any relevance to the events of the day, but stopped myself mid sentence when the tow truck driver came up behind him with a not so happy look on his face. "It doesn't look very good!" Great, I thought, I am just going to hold off on my speech as to not tempt any further aggravation of the gods - hmmmm maybe I am a little superstitious. I sit down and wait for them to run the diagnostics.

Minutes later they come out to tell me my fuel pump is junk! FANTASTIC!!! I know that on a "normal" car this would run about $300-400. The man calls around and finds one that is $975 - are you KIDDING ME! Well I don't really have a choice now do I. So the man gets back on the phone and goes about getting the parts and I go about trying to find a way to get out of this place!

A few minutes later the man calls me into his office. He says he has called several locations and not only do they need the part, but they need a special tool because it is a Land Rover - OF COURSE THEY DO!!! - they could do the work and it would cost me about $1480. I swear I thought my head was going to explode!

He then says, "but today is your lucky day! I called a friend of mine at the Land Rover dealership and apparently there is a recall on your fuel pump!" I could have kissed him! I swear I almost reached over the desk and kissed him! So my car was off to the dealership and will be fixed Monday.

At about this same time I get a phone call that the grandparents of the aforementioned twins we are going to visit are about 20 minutes away and would be more than happy to swing by and pick us up on there way! Yippeee!!! Rescued again!!

KM is very happy that she gets a few extra days with her friends and I get a few days of doing, well not much of anything, but hanging out really. Guess Noni thought I needed a break!

I truly don't feel that I am superstitious, but I think Noni was looking out for me today! Friday the 13th was always a running joke in our house when I was growing up because my parents got me on Friday 10/13/1978! I used to tell Noni that she should have known right then to send me back because I was going to be a handful!!! THANKS NONI for letting me know that you are still there keeping your eye on us! I guess I do believe the date played into the events of the day, but next time Noni, you truly could do something a bit more subtle!!!

2nd Anniversary

Today is the 2nd Anniversary of Noni's passing - it seems like yesterday really. I don't know how 2 years has gone by in such a blink. I think this year we are all feeling it more as their is less chaos around. Last summer SC was born and we were planning MC's wedding so although we missed her terribly there was too much to get done to leave any time to process feelings.

MC's & my relationship has become stronger through these two years without a doubt. There have always been times when we want to maim one another, but hey doesn't that happen with all sisters. Our mother was our rock in everything that we did. She had most of the answers and when she didn't she knew the words to say to help you figure it out on your own. There were those times of course when the answers that she gave were not the ones that we wanted to hear, but they were always the ones we needed.

Noni loved her grandkids more than anything in the world. She would have done anything for them. She always said that since she couldn't have children herself that the greatest gift that she ever received was being able to see KM be born. They had such an incredible bond with one another. I am so glad that I was able to share that with her. I truly believe that she is watching over SC every day. There are times that I wonder if SC is talking to her as well because every so often she looks up toward the ceiling with this concentrating look on her face and babbles away. I hope that she is.

So MC & I are heading off to the cemetery this morning with the girls and then to have lunch with some of our Great Aunts & Uncles. The torrential rain has finally cleared so we are hoping that Noni will make sure the humidity stays down as well. In memory of Noni I thought I would post the poem that was printed on her prayer cards:

Mother, A Light

A light is from our household gone,

a voice we loved is still,

a place is vacant in our home,

that never can be filled.

You can only have one mother,

patient, kind and true,

no other friend in all the world,

will be the same to you.

When other friends forsake you,

to mother you will return,

for all her loving kindness,

she asks nothing in return.

As we look upon her picture,

sweet memories we recall,

of a face so full of sunshine,

and a smile for one and all.

Sweet Jesus take our message,

to our dear mother up above,

tell her how we miss her,

and give her all our love.

May She Rest in Peace.

Amen.

Added later in the day:

We stopped and got some flowers and KM wanted me to take some pictures of all the pretty things we had added. This was also the first time that SC was awake at the cemetery, so I got some cute pics of her helping...

We added the flowers in the front and KM brought a small vase that you can just barely see that had Noni's favorite flowers from our yard in it.


SC wants to be just like her mommy, so when MC put the shovel down and stepped away for a second SC was there to try the shovel work too.


After watching me and KM make several trips to the water spicket with the Dunkin Donuts cup ~~of course we forgot the watering can, but at least we remembered the shovel this time~~ SC decided she would go over and try to get the spicket to work as well...luckily it was too hard for her to turn.

After the cemetery we had a wonderful lunch with our favorite Great Aunt! She is the most wonderful women in the world. Then we headed to the next house over to see my favorite Uncle. KM and I went wandering through his garden and he sent us home with enough veggies for a week. It was a good swap though because the only thing he didn't grow this year was lettuce - the one thing I have TONS of since the torrential rainstorms knocked mine over. It was a very very nice afternoon!!!

Happy Birthday Noni!

Noni would have been 61 today and though she has been gone for nearly two years now it seems this year is a bit harder than last. We still miss her everyday! My sister (MC) had to work last night so yesterday we took KM & SC for breakfast, to Barnes & Noble, and then over to the cemetery. It was suppose to be a horribly thunder-storming day, but it was actually just right. Not too hot or muggy and beautiful clear skies. We stopped at a nursery on the way there and as soon as we pulled in I saw the plant pictured above ~ it is a 'Tiny Bee' (Asiatic Lily) ~ all over the place. Lilies are very hardy plants and we have had them all over our yard since we moved here. I thought that it would be perfect since we really don't get to the cemetery as much as we should. Yellow was also one of Noni's favorite colors so I thought it would be fitting. All morning we had been in the car chatting and running errands, but for some reason when we pulled out of the nursery MC decided to turn on the radio - wouldn't you know it was playing Neil Diamond's "Sweet Carolina"! One of Noni's favorite songs, a sure sign that she liked our choice. My sister can be wishy-washy with her opinion on spirituality and the afterlife, but there are some things that are just TOOO coincidental.

So in closing this morning I just want to say: Happy Birthday Noni! We love you and miss you, but would appreciate it if you could tone the parties down a bit!

~~~~ The last few nights we have had ferocious thunderstorms knocking the power out - ever since I can remember Noni would tell all the kids that thunder was the angels bowling and lightening meant that they had gotten a strike! KM woke up the other night and said they must be throwing Noni one heck of a birthday party up there! Gotta love it!~~~~

Sad Moments

This can be a difficult time of year for so many around me who have lost their mothers. It is a horrible club to be part of, but know that you are not alone and they are always watching out for us! I came across this quote and I thought it was very fitting for how I feel the day before Mother's Day.

Because I feel that in the heavens above

The angels, whispering one to another,

Can find among their burning tears of love,

None so devotional as that of "Mother,

"Therefore, by that dear name I have long called you,

You who are more than mother unto me.

—Edgar Allan Poe

When my mother got sick 2 years ago, we all thought she will push through, she will get better. She started the treatments and she was so full of fight and life, we thought there is no way this is going to take her down. Quickly we saw that was not the case. Within 3 months she was gone. All of our lives were so changed over that very short timespan. We will never be the same family without her here, but we try. We barrell through! We see her face whenever my neice smiles ~ Noni would have loved her so. We think of her so often, of the things she would have said, what she would have done, how she would have fixed things. My sister and I not only lost our mother that day - the only true mother either of us ever had - we lost our best friend, the only person we felt ever unconditionally loved us, the one that we could say how much we hated her and she would say nothing but "I Love You too!" She knew all of our secrets. All the stories that held all of us together. She was not perfect, she made her fair share of mistakes as we all do, but I hope one day my daughter will have half the love and respect for me that I hold in my heart for her!

We Love and Miss you every minute Noni!

Lack of Appreciation for SAHP!

So I got an email post from a yahoo group that I am a member of from a mother who was feeling very unappreciated by her family because she is a SAHM!

Situations like this make me SOOOOO annoyed Now! However, I must admit I totally took advantage of my mother when I was younger! Noni wasn't a SAHM, she was a divorcee mother of two, working 40-60 hours a week just to pay the bills, but she still somehow managed to get EVERYTHING in the house done. We had chores but it was very rare that we actually did them. If I left my room get messy long enough she would come in and clean it. If I didn't do my laundry some little elf came in made the clothes magically smell fresh and clean! I am not by any means of the imagination proud of what I did. If she asked me to do the dishes, I would do a horrible job on purpose because I was knew that she would be to tired to fight with me and wouldn't ask me to do them again. Now Noni and I used to get in fights all the time about it, but I took advantage of my mother feeling bad that she was working sooo much. Now I have people in my life who are in the same situation and it INFURIATES me!

I moved out of Noni's house with CJ about two months after I had KM and I went into shock. You mean I am suppose to do laundry, plan dinner, vacuum, fold the laundry, clean the bathroom, make dinner, put the laundry away, and clean up the kitchen after dinner all in the same day! WITH AN INFANT! Luckily I knew how to do those things as I know some young adults who don't even know how to run the washing machine (In case you haven't noticed I HATE LAUNDRY), but I was still in shock. I never realized the amount of energy that went into keeping a household together on a daily basis. I called my mother at the end of the first week on our own, in hysterical tears, to tell her how sorry I was.

Now that she is gone, I wish I had truly expressed to her how much I appreciated all that she sacrificed for us throughout her life. Two children, from different mothers, whom she could not have loved more. I don't know that I could ever be as strong as she was, having to put up with the things that we put her through. I don't just mean being unappreciative, we were HORRIBLE teenagers! Now she was not a perfect mother by any means, but who really is! Somehow though, she managed to look past everything we did and see nothing but the truly unconditional love that she had for us. I don't discuss it much, I think because I am afraid I will not stop crying, but I do miss her every day! Every single day that goes by something happens that I wish I could ask her advice about. I know that she is still here with us, I feel her here and I know that she knows I love her. I just wish I could hear her voice one more time.